It feels strange to even begin typing these words as 6-7 years ago, I would never have imagined the day would come when I would NOT want to be at a birth almost every week! But after much soul searching and honest inquiry into my deepest desires for this season of my life, I have decided to take a sabbatical from regular birth work for this time.
When I first became a doula (and soon after, birth photographer), I was driven by my passion for birth and for supporting women during the beautiful and vulnerable moments surrounding stepping into motherhood. While that passion has not died, it has grown and morphed as I have grown, and I have found in this season of my own motherhood, the time has come to step away and take care of myself as I focus on other passions that have been growing in my heart, my own children, and the other children God has brought into our lives over the past year as we’ve worked with an organization called Safe Families to offer a safe home for children whose families are going through a difficult time.
Birth work is both incredibly rewarding and indescribably difficult at times, and for an enneagram 4 like myself, it can evoke deep emotions and even somewhat transcendent experiences. I have attended births so amazing and joyful that my hands have shook with laughter and happiness as I’ve captured some of the most miraculous moments in someones life. I’ve also attended births where time has stood still; I have put my camera down and my hands have trembled with shock. I’ve gone to therapy to deal with secondary birth trauma and prepare myself for stepping into the birth space the next time in a fully present and engaged way that serves my client.
I’ve missed my children’s birthday parties, performances, and even my own birthday and anniversary several times as I’ve rushed to a birth, often only to wait for hours before things pick up because… babies! They come on their own schedule! For years I’ve slept with my phone next to my bed, volume turned all the way up, bag packed and ready to go. Shoveling snow off my van in the middle of the night, driving through blizzards for a mountain birth, tossing and turning all night because I got a text at 11pm that contractions might be starting, and its a fifth time mom with a history of precipitous births! Yikes!
And the babysitting situation?! God bless every friend and babysitter that has received 1,732 texts from me over the course of a day! “I might need childcare today - I think my clients in labor.” “No wait… not yet.” “Can you possibly pick the kids up from school if I have to leave before then?” “I think I might need you in the next hour.” “Hang on - contractions stopped… are you available tomorrow though?” And then checking with the three other backup babysitters for plan A, B, and C, according to if my husband can drop them off, or work from home, or if kids need to be picked up, etc, etc, etc. The stress of living a life on-call when you have young children cannot be overstated! And my gratitude for my community and my husband who has done backflips with his own schedule to help out with the kids when I have to run to a birth… I truly married an amazing man. None of this would have ever been possibly without his support!
Despite the challenges, I have LOVED this work. To hold space for a woman as she navigates the wonder and intensity of childbirth and to get to document those moments is a privilege and honor I can’t even begin to describe. I have learned so much from each birth I’ve attended (it’s well over 100 now), and I will forever carry with me the lessons and memories I’ve gained over the past 7 years of birth work.
So what now?! Well… for starters, I’m thoroughly enjoying being off call! Turning off my phone at nights, snuggling into bed on a cold winter night knowing that I won’t be called away at 1am is pure bliss. Not ending every potential commitment with the phrase, “as long as I’m not at a birth!” I’m also pursuing an area of passion that has been growing for me over the past several years - a deeper dive into health and nutrition as I’ve been taking a course this year to become a certified health coach through the Institute for Functional Medicine. I’ve always been a bit of a health nut, but as I’ve navigated challenges with my own and my families health and seen remarkable breakthroughs through diet and lifestyle changes as well as a growing knowledge of herbs and other natural remedies, I can’t help but sense a call to continue to expand my knowledge in and possibly one day be able to serve others in this area.
I may very well step back into full time birth work at some point in the future. I don’t think I can every fully step away, but for this time I’m taking a complete break through the end of summer 2022 and after that my availability will be limited to repeat clients and friends. (I already have an unannounced birth or two on the calendar for fall of 2022.)
I’m deeply grateful for all my amazing clients, many of whom have become friends. I may be back a year from now announcing a full time return, but since I’ve been getting lots of inquires and people wondering why I’ve been so silent on social media, I decided to put out an official announcement about it. For first time mamas who have stumbled upon my blog, if you are looking for a doula / photographer, I’m happy to give out some referrals for excellent birth workers in the Denver area!
Wishing each of you all the best!
Joyanna